i am more than ever afraid to do anything i had done in my whole life

now and then.

i was never meant to know anyone. neither myself. been in this deep silence for a long time now. had my life lived on but not by setting examples. hands can’t hit, what the eyes can’t see. brain can’t feel if the heart don’t beat. i am making my path longer, than i used to. i wander around the meanings, i wasn’t used to. i am not used to being used. neither to be get used to. though never decisively addicted, had always been somehow unfamiliar. now that i know, somehow it’s been shared all along. no darkness belongs to only one. nor does the light stand for everyone. i’ve never been foretold, what i used to foretell. how hard it has always been to admit. being so direct. had always been drowning in my own mis-judgement.

and been living a lie. lying on a life. reliably annoying. seemlessly cruel. had always been unaware of how i might become so vulnerable. now that i seem to have dig it. i’ll keep diggin’.
words resemble
words get together
and mean a thing.
i know i’ll live this over and over again
the whole package, the whole happiness
the whole exhausting experience.
but i did my promise in my heart
feeling like decades ago

“the next time you fool broken heart;
you encounter another
the other. the alienated. the dark inside shiny outside
don’t you think
a
not
her
again

just
keep still,
and calm down.”

now that i know, being fooled around again. gonna bleed with the endless greed. mind games for soulfools. food for soul. sour soul food. soup for fool. have my things brained, relieves revealed. so please before you think, you know me. or at least befoye you think, i know you. if you’re welcome, try not to be ignorant on that. know yourself better than i would. it ain’t always true, what you don’t know, should fear you. because, i ain’t the one to overcome the reality of knowledge. i choose to forget, to re-experience. i even forget, that i decide to forget. i unlearn the meaning of forgetting. though had bleeded too many times in deep. i had my own memories of what not to and how not to forget. i feel, having less space and too short time to remember all the rest. please don’t pity me, if i realize me, pitying you. (which i never did) . just because, resemblance doesn’t solve another lock, but claims another lock, broken.

i fill up with with the newer boredom. the boredom of the shape of things to come.

“Just let the light touch you
And let the words spill thorough
Just let them pass right through,
Bringing out our hope and reason.

Before we pine away.”

alışkanlıklarımı hatırlatıyor. alışmakdan kaçırıyorken kendimi.
yürüdüğüm yolları uzatıp, kendime gelişlerimden uzaklaşıyorum.

hayır

sana, ona, bir başkasına değil.

hoşluğun getirdiği sersemliğe kızıyorum.

sokaklar dolusu içim dışım.

kimseyi korkutmadan usulca geziniyorum pencere aralıklarında. birilerini korkutmak, korkutuyor yeterince.

halbuki korkularımızla dalga geçmek de var.

gölgelerden şekiller anlamlar çıkarıp,

kopmak bu gerçeklik dediğimiz sahtekarlıktan.
ama unutmamak lazım.

ışık olma’d’an yere,

gölge düşmüyor.

bekliyorum. ilerliyorum.

ne git, ne kal diyorum.

ne gidiyor. ne kalabiliyorum.

kaçıyorsun.

her kaçışın benden, bana doğru.

önlemler, yönelimleri değiştiremiyor yine.

yeni_yeniden_yineleyerek

sendeletiyor kendikendimeliğimi.

o zaman varsın olsun. buralardan her yöne doğru.

verilenler alınlanların sağlaması olsun. koskocaman yutukunuvereyim zamanın sarhoşluğuna. patavatsızca kandırışlarına, bir benzerin, benzerlikten öte olamayışına. hayranlıkların, gönül ayranlıklarına tuz serpişlerine.

her başlangıcın. son gelişlerine.

“Sevgililerimizi elimizden kaçırmaktan ölesiye korktuğumuz için onlardan gelecek değişime inatla direniriz, oysa belki de aşkla beraber gelen değişim tek kurtarıcımız olacak hayatta”

Gail to Ömer

____________
Araf_E.Ş.

stabilitesi değişim olan bir mantalitenin, sadece üç harfli bir kelime ile kurtarılabileceğine inancım (artık_pek) yok sanırım. yine gündüz vassaffı anmak istiyorum. keza, e.ş.’ın hayalgücünden fırlamış böyle bir kadın. iiymiş. everet.

okul dönemimdeyken birisini birine sormuştum. “önce çok seversin, sonra nefret edersin, sonra da nötr kalırsın” demişti. o’nunla herkes aynı şeyi yaşarmış. bi progressmiş bu.

ben ilk iki phase’i atlayıp nötrlüğe geçmiştim.

hayatın kendisini yırtamıyorsak, bırakalım hayat bizi yırtsın.

fair enough. every other heart beat is another shout out of heart broken bell ring. fairy enough, long a tale, lingalong tail with a feary jelly belly.

nobody ever cared.

i grieve.

i asked not to bite. if to be bitten, please just don’t spit hard on the ground. if to be done. i asked gently in my own harmful ways. my manners. nothing matters.

tales from above and below. no expectation is greater exception. acceptance of the exactness. tails on my belly tinkywinkywapities. is this fair? is that a fake fairy again? let’s assume it ain’t.

a fairy tale. a fare well tail.

i’m a killer baby. so why don’t you lose me.

stories from the other side to here. says mark sandman is happy with jeff there. and they write stories to the other side. that side is where we stand still. they have fun in their tinkerbellyjellyfishes. lalala. lilili. now having all those done, please go. but don’t hurt. bite. but please don’t spit. i’ll live my own story, for my own mindchilds. ain’t no good, ain’t no bad. it’s just it. just. that. it. i should have seen this coming to me. i should have seen me again, in such silly misery. no this is not dark. just the opposite of it though.

anyone ready to be fooled around? this is another ending, that couldn’t even begin.

cold is good. where did this sun come around and shone directly in to my eyes to blind me then? take your light and heat and please just go.

i am not welcome here anymore. i have never been. i got that now. i don’t need any privilege for anyone else’s time. i never had that. don’t want it anymore. i see, i am the jellybelly getalong-livealone one. i have to be. though i choose not to be.

but this heart is no good place to just kiddlewiddlepunchpokeanddance. it is not a room. it is an organ goddamnit.

“When faced with untenable alternatives you should consider your imperative.”

every ‘thing’ exists, hence there is co-existence.

never run without fighting. never fight, while running.

well, better not fight at all. “life is too short to be pissed off all the time”.

black is there because there is white.

there is one, against -1.

that makes two. although there’s you.

now taking a detour in the ocean of endless meanings, wordless feelings, and re-discovering what is unlearnt, every other meaning is closer to their ends. every other me is there.

“…Each time this identity announces itself, someone or something cries: Look out for the trap, you’re caught. Take off, get free, disengage yourself...” “…I never give in to the temptation to be difficult just for the sake of being difficult. That would be too ridiculous...”  “…I believe it is always a writer who is accused of being someone who is engaged in an explanation with language, the economy of language...”

-J.D.

far is meaningful, hence we have near.

can you hear? are you there?

from where–
did all this come?

where to

from here?

mostly defined not with but what we are, but by who we are, we are all defined in and around the time we live in. events we experience. faces we see. meanings we mean. hearings we hate. all of a sudden, we ae not; now; what or who we are. but which, we were.

i haven’t been around. i willl wander around in another daydreamer’s nightmare tonight. to the night, i will grow. each time with this instinct, i know another fine part of me will be de-fined, re-fined, and end up dying. and it is pretty… comforting. will make up stories of ones i see, experience their unliving experiences whic i will make up, and wander in those stories. while looking at them. even when listening to them. or maybe even better, not even listening to them. still, comforting. to have known, what might have happened with others, might not just happen to anyone but themselves. even for me. i’ll be forced to pretend, that i had enjoyed those moments they’ll tell me all about, as i was a part of that past. other’s past-reality, will become my daydream again. and i won’t pretend. i will enjoy that moment. to the end.

an-sızısı. ansızın, ansızlık. time dies every moment we discover we have it.

old notes. new book. well thoughts. just had the chance to play around this one. from3 years ago.

is this darkness in you too?

waiting to be revealed?

what happens when darkness is revealed?

delirium, delicious.

don’t make me, please

fall in to your past.

should i wish to have been in that past?

should i whish, i had that past, with you?

whoever you were then.

who ever you are now.

wherever we are though.

hello. goodnight. goodluck. goodbye.

i always watch the sunset alone.

( • I O ) says:
geldi sopasıyla sallıyo sallıyo
( • I O ) says:
dur abi ver bak şöyle tut dedim
( • I O ) says:
gitti

kanıt yapmış

yarıldım

wordpress updates giving me trouble.

though.

we are all up to date the entries shout out loud.

hope you’ll read this
finally got the chance to give you some layered writings after all… mojito’s worth it.

(please proceed with the “previous button” standing at the end of the page or just click the silly boy hangin on the right. if no english; can’t help. tıkla gitsin.)

welcome =)
mojito dayz

in a place again inconvenient
in a place again small as a matchbox full of details
at somewhere, dunno what word comes after or before.

in a mood
tired but convenient of what has happened through a week.
” ” ” ” ” what have i become and what shall it(the life itself) be

then people
fellas
tell me

“some eyes are led on you, buddy”

i look around
see a runaway smile eye

i look.
she looks

hope that she
hope she won’t be going away

and maybe again
hope that’s not
she

but she smiles conveniently the other day
says

how r ya?
in plural
though my fella asked for a drink
and she brought it with her hands
im jealous already

i recall, fine and you?

in singular

we drink our mojitos.
i am convinced she wouldn’t break my heart

though may be

don’t play for the crowd, play for yourself i recall
when you play
and if it is a game
crowd will *surely* salute you

however
i dont believe it

i believe
not to play
not to act

and when in underwater
or in deep silence
we are somehow

undiscovered lovers at a glance
with hearts already broken
but ready to be forgotten.

sometime around april – years ago insome insanely other place.
braininpain

it means love. it means wrong time. it means don’t swim while ovulating. means flesh. means surprise. means nothing at all.

click to see. save as to make a widescreen desktop.

a little dizzy today.

gillespie.

some devils around. and in my stomach.

some cats are in my mind.

bebop. bee bup.

___ says: (10:38:30 PM)
evet…etrafina huzur sacabilmek en onemlisi..herseyden once insan olabilmeli insan
___ says: (10:38:53 PM)
yep √. it is. so good that we are VARIOUS. not different

___says: (10:39:23 PM)
hmm sevdim bu lafı :)
___ says: (10:39:38 PM)
bende:)i wrote it down

linus. nietszche. school projection. substitution. whatever it was it is just hangin on my mistreatedsketcheswall still. nope. it is there =)

school times. charcoal dreams. easy to blur with finger with lucid perception.

projection—yea i am laughin too

retsina. reçine.

i think i have more than i need. i beleieve i shouldn’t have that.

the thing is.

“society.”

“if less is more, how’you’re keepimg score?” – eddie vedder

ok. this is my playground. i saw this stencil in 2000 at da school

“hiç, yoktan iyidir”

the derrida lost its

the

those days.

i believe i have more than i need. my dreeams have less than anything else. ———————–eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i dream about a total nothing. till we have it all, nothing will be free

this is madness. i hate society. ihate to be disturbed by any being im the/DA society. girlfriend. family. manners. f.ckall. pictures. to face. to sur-face.

those were DA dayz. crazy indeed.

hope we are not lonely.

we.

lonely.

we is. to be with some other unbearable being again? why are WE so unbearable. way ayı olmalaır way. o neyse artık. çocukluk baki kalsın, olgunluğumuza dönmeye çalışalım. yerde mavi bi taş buldum ve ölene kadar başucumdan çıkarıp oynıcam onunla. yanımda kim uyursa uyusun. mavi rüyalar. yea it is in catalon. seneye 12me geri dönüorum. diştellerim sıkıştırıyo cierimi.

hope you’re not lonely.

these were not my points. but at least we made ’em.

“hope you’re not lonely/without me” – again eddie.

man.

hope we are as alone as any happy should be. let them be.

“he who makes a beast ofhimself / gets rid of the pain of being a man”

.with some jack black accent on hi-fidelity.

lets have some. divinity.dignity. any word ending with -ny and begin or end with d. deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

retina. retsina.reçine. now it is again notwist. but nut this time of any night or time of the year or night.

night is upon us. with some typography. as good as the wp template says we can do. thaaaat iiis to

overline.

you love yourself. please keep on doing it.

i admire things. thath don’t disturb the surround. and keep on being so admirable in an infamous but yet unknown way.

i admire. eye reecords. agent reported.

neden bitmiyo bu yazı?

society–eddie–into the wild.

i’m floating in you

as deep as we can be.

 

tired of not sleeping to you. in my silently wandering in and around your cushion. day milk, eye break. every pixel makes me dream. every bit and byte of info, i’m into your dream. i sleep to you. eye sleeps to your bits and pieces of you. in every lucid pixel, i perceive you. eye percieves what you dream. i am in you and you are red. you have read. bo_red, fi_red, ti_red.

eye sees all.

i says all.

huzurdan :)