a_post_re:

i was never meant to know anyone. neither myself. been in this deep silence for a long time now. had my life lived on but not by setting examples. hands can’t hit, what the eyes can’t see. brain can’t feel if the heart don’t beat. i am making my path longer, than i used to. i wander around the meanings, i wasn’t used to. i am not used to being used. neither to be get used to. though never decisively addicted, had always been somehow unfamiliar. now that i know, somehow it’s been shared all along. no darkness belongs to only one. nor does the light stand for everyone. i’ve never been foretold, what i used to foretell. how hard it has always been to admit. being so direct. had always been drowning in my own mis-judgement.

and been living a lie. lying on a life. reliably annoying. seemlessly cruel. had always been unaware of how i might become so vulnerable. now that i seem to have dig it. i’ll keep diggin’.
words resemble
words get together
and mean a thing.
i know i’ll live this over and over again
the whole package, the whole happiness
the whole exhausting experience.
but i did my promise in my heart
feeling like decades ago

“the next time you fool broken heart;
you encounter another
the other. the alienated. the dark inside shiny outside
don’t you think
a
not
her
again

just
keep still,
and calm down.”

now that i know, being fooled around again. gonna bleed with the endless greed. mind games for soulfools. food for soul. sour soul food. soup for fool. have my things brained, relieves revealed. so please before you think, you know me. or at least befoye you think, i know you. if you’re welcome, try not to be ignorant on that. know yourself better than i would. it ain’t always true, what you don’t know, should fear you. because, i ain’t the one to overcome the reality of knowledge. i choose to forget, to re-experience. i even forget, that i decide to forget. i unlearn the meaning of forgetting. though had bleeded too many times in deep. i had my own memories of what not to and how not to forget. i feel, having less space and too short time to remember all the rest. please don’t pity me, if i realize me, pitying you. (which i never did) . just because, resemblance doesn’t solve another lock, but claims another lock, broken.

i fill up with with the newer boredom. the boredom of the shape of things to come.

“Just let the light touch you
And let the words spill thorough
Just let them pass right through,
Bringing out our hope and reason.

Before we pine away.”

alışkanlıklarımı hatırlatıyor. alışmakdan kaçırıyorken kendimi.
yürüdüğüm yolları uzatıp, kendime gelişlerimden uzaklaşıyorum.

hayır

sana, ona, bir başkasına değil.

hoşluğun getirdiği sersemliğe kızıyorum.

sokaklar dolusu içim dışım.

kimseyi korkutmadan usulca geziniyorum pencere aralıklarında. birilerini korkutmak, korkutuyor yeterince.

halbuki korkularımızla dalga geçmek de var.

gölgelerden şekiller anlamlar çıkarıp,

kopmak bu gerçeklik dediğimiz sahtekarlıktan.
ama unutmamak lazım.

ışık olma’d’an yere,

gölge düşmüyor.

bekliyorum. ilerliyorum.

ne git, ne kal diyorum.

ne gidiyor. ne kalabiliyorum.

kaçıyorsun.

her kaçışın benden, bana doğru.

önlemler, yönelimleri değiştiremiyor yine.

yeni_yeniden_yineleyerek

sendeletiyor kendikendimeliğimi.

o zaman varsın olsun. buralardan her yöne doğru.

verilenler alınlanların sağlaması olsun. koskocaman yutukunuvereyim zamanın sarhoşluğuna. patavatsızca kandırışlarına, bir benzerin, benzerlikten öte olamayışına. hayranlıkların, gönül ayranlıklarına tuz serpişlerine.

her başlangıcın. son gelişlerine.

Leave a Reply